You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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