Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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