So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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