Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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