I'm so fucking centered right now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
