Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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