You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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