trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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