why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
