I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i drank out of a bidet.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
