By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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