ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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