I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
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You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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