Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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