hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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