he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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