i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
