I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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