saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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