porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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