I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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