I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
