Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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