Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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