I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
