omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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