while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
