Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
