life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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