i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
