dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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