I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
