Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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