I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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