if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
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So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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