I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
