I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
