You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
