Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
