you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
