I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
