I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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