It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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