I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
