as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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