If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
