You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
