he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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