If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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