I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
