I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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