i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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