so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
